Resident Gameshow
by La Mouette Lunaire
Summary: It's horrible, terrifying, worse than the whole RE series combined. It's... a game show! [Chapter 3: The Dating Game]
1. Oh canon, where art thou?

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Jeopardy or a car. Also I hardly own any large countries, or small countries for that matter. I owned a fish once. He's dead now though. Anyway, on with it! 

La Mouette Lunaire proudly presents

**Resident Gameshow**  
_Chapter 1: Oh canon, where art thou? (Jeopardy I)_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The camera zooms in on a sign. Resident Jeopardy is written on it in large, bloody letters. The sign is thrown away and we see the interior of a nice and perfectly normal TV studio. Or so it seems. Lady NQI, the author's alter-ego of artificial perfection, enters, wearing her usual purple attire and a jellyfish on her head. The audience, consisting of men, women and the occasional zombie cheers.

"Hello and Bon Jour! Welcome everybody to my new mental maze of torture … or game show, as my producer prefers to call it in order not to get sued too often. Then again, I think his fate was already sealed the day he decided to make me the host of this show"

Nervous coughing can be heard offstage. NQI has a brief, yet insane fit of laughter, then proceeds to read her cards.

"Now, on with it! This is Resident Jeopardy, I am Lady NQI and I proudly present today's three victi- ahem, contestants. Contestant number one is well-known by new and old gamers alike. She's mysterious and sexy, or at least that's what the walkthrough said. Put your hands together for everybody's favourite Asian spy, Ada Wong!"

Ada walks over to the last podium, wearing a red dress and looking – who would have thought – incredibly sexy. The audience cheers and a few whistles, followed by slaps and angry female voices are heard.

"Ada, did you actually realize that your name is the Elvish word for father?"

"…"

"Never mind, I was just trying to pick up a conversation because it says I should do so on my card. Not that I want to, anyway. Ahem. Contestant number two loves weapons and his family. He's caring and helpful, but remember to keep him far away from evil men with sunglasses"

In the audience a man wearing a black business suit and black sunglasses stands up and laughs evilly. "It is already too late for that, Mister Anderson. Morpheus is mine and will soon submit to-"

"I'm sorry Smithie, but that's the wrong fandom. The Matrix game show is two corridors away, fifth door to the left. Besides, my name is not Mister Anderson. Not since back in 1875 anyway, but never mind that…"

Slightly confused at first the agent glares at NQI, looks around suspiciously and eventually proceeds to smile evilly. "I shall return! Scotty, beam me up!"

A green light shines from the ceiling and to everyone's surprise the agent actually disappears, allowing our host to sigh heavily and go on with the show.

"So much for that, now for contestant number two… again. Say hi to Barry Burton!"

The audience cheers, Barry slowly walks over to the first podium and inspects it worriedly.

"Barry, are you okay?"

"It looks like some sort of podium with a red buzzer attached to its top. I just hope this isn't Chris's buzzer"

The audience falls silent. Ada is confused and NQI shakes her head worriedly. "No, never mind that. The podium is perfectly save and the buzzer is yours, not Chris's"

"Oh", states Barry and grins with relief.

"I'm glad that's settled then. On with our next, also known as our third, now referred to as our last contestant. He's-"

Just then Mister X comes crashing through the wall next to the contestants' entrance. The audience gasps, Ada seems nervous and Barry acts oblivious …and probably is.

"…already here and missed the door again. But hey, that's better than he did during rehearsal when he came crashing through the ceiling, flattening two of our cameramen and the guy who used to fetch my coffee. But never mind that, better luck next time and welcome, Mister X!"

Mister X walks over to the podium in the middle and smashes it into the ground. The audience cheers reluctantly and Ada has fled the studio. NQI sighs.

"Security! We need a new podium and a new contest-"

Suddenly Mister X turns around and follows Ada, destroying Barry's podium as he stomps along.

"Make that two new podiums and two new contestants! Oh, and some coffee if you please. Everyone else, stay tuned and enjoy the commercials!"

- PRODUCT PLACEMENT -

A dark room. It's empty except for a white fridge that is conveniently placed in its center. The camera zooms in on the fridge and a male voiceover is heard.

"Not too long ago you bought a simply gorgeous fridge that represents everything you ever wished for in your refrigerated dreams, but now you find that there is no way you will ever be able to use your cold cupboard of icy goodness, just because it is swamped with leprechauns?"

The fridge opens and we see that its interior is indeed swamped with leprechauns.

"Does this look familiar to you? Well, it probably does. But don't fret, panic or move to Spain, because we, IdioTec Technologies, have come up with something that will get rid of all your nasty green problems!"

A woman in a lab coat walks over to the fridge and opens it. The leprechauns can be heard singing and insulting the woman. She produces a black box from her coat, puts it into the fridge, closes the door and runs away.

"Now watch closely and witness the power of our new product"

After a few motion, -and soundless moments the fridge abruptly blows up. Its remains and a bunch of severely injured leprechauns are scattered all over the room. The woman comes back and holds up a sign saying 'BOOM – the leprechauns' doom'

"Buy now in order to receive a piece of paper for free!"

Screen goes static.

- END PRODUCT PLACEMENT -

NQI stares at the screen and shakes her head. She takes one step to the left, examines her card and blinks at the camera. Several people in the audience start whispering to the person next to them or to themselves. Barry whistles and NQI takes two steps to the right. She then remains motionless and a few minutes pass.

Eventually a member of the staff rushes in, hands NQI a new set of cards and rushes off. Sorting the new cards, NQI glares at the unoccupied podiums, over to a sleeping Barry and back. Finally she cleans her throat and addresses the audience.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we're sorry for the delay but it has proven difficult to find two new contestants in such short time. But everything's okay now and I present you without further ado contestant number two and three: Alice from the movies and… a zombie!"

The audience cheers even though the contestants are nowhere to be seen. After a while the zombie lurches in slowly and makes his moaning towards the last podium. He's soon joined by Alice who comes crashing through a window, doing her standard motorbike jump and several back flips until she reaches the podium in the middle.

Barry yawns and wakes up. The zombie has reached his podium by now and is drooling quietly. NQI adjusts her jellyfish.

"I think I can say without regret that this is a wonderful moment in the history of Resident Jeopardy, because we are now going to start with the actual show!"

The part of the audience that has not yet made it to one of the exits stands up and cheers wildly. NQI turns to the board.

"And today's categories are: 'Shakespeare' 'Evil companies that want to rule the world' '101 methods of using a piece of fresh fruit in an R-rated way' 'People you wouldn't want to meet in an empty parking lot at night' 'Oh my God, oh my God! Get it off my foot!' 'The number that comes between 4 and 6 and is called 5' and 'Movies'. Now since he was one of the original candidates we'll start with Barry. Barry, pick a category'

"This isn't Chris's category though?"

"No, it's not. Just pick. Please!"

"Then I'll take 'The number that comes between 4 and 6 and is called 5' for 100'"

"Taking it easy at first, seems like a good idea to me. Listen up everybody as here comes in fact the very first question in form of an answer that you have to answer in form of a question: 'This number comes between 4 and 6 and is called 5'"

Nobody makes a move.

"You might not have noticed, but the game has finally started. You may now ring in anytime and give the correct answer"

Still nobody is making a move.

"Okay, perhaps I should repeat the question: 'This number comes between 4 and 6 and is called 5' It's also the result of 2 plus 3 and 9 minus 4 but judging from your looks I doubt that this information will be of any use. Come on, guys!"

Barry inspects his gun and doesn't seem to pay any attention. Alice is poking the zombie with her pen and the zombie himself is doing nothing at all.

"Alice! A guess from you before I end the disaster?"

"What is omega?"

"Huh? Erm… no, sorry. That is incorrect. The correct answer would have been 'What is 5?'"

The contestants seem amazed and mutters of 'Who would have thought?' can be heard from the audience. NQI reads her cards worriedly.

"I really don't like where this is going. But I need the money so off to another fiasco. Barry, it's still your board"

Barry stares and remains motionless.

"It's still your board is standing for you get to chose another category"

"Oh. Good. Then I'll take Shakespeare for 400"

"Considering your incredible performance only a few moments ago I don't think this is a good idea but then again, it's not my job to care. Shakespeare for 400. And the answer is 'The poet's thoughts of his own mortality are reflected in this piece of work that also features the line "This thou perceivest, which makes thy love more strong, to love that well which thou must leave ere long"'"

Barry grins, Alice's mind seems elsewhere and the zombie chews on his podium.

"Should I even bother to repeat the question?"

A buzzer rings.

"Apparently the zombie accidentally rang the buzzer while chewing on his podium so we'll just-"

"What is Shakespeare's sonnet number 73?"

The audience gasps. NQI turns pale, drops her cards and stares at the zombie. "I… that… erm… well… it looks like contestant number three has just given a perfectly audible and correct answer. That's 400 points for you, erm, zombie"

"But please, do call me Edward. Ted, if you wish"

"Right…Ted. You asked the correct question, which means it's your board!"

Ted, formally known as the zombie, opens his mouth but instead of eloquently choosing a category he just groans, starts twitching and falls over.

"Oh. Apparently the former display of knowledge was… let me check, Mister Edward?"

"Huuuuaaaarrrr!" states Edward.

"Yes, just what I was afraid of. Said display of knowledge was probably due to some sort of brief electrical impulse in the contestant's brain and you can rest assured that it is over now"

The zombie, briefly known as Edward, bites his arm in agreement.

"Since the contestant has lost his ability to speak I will pick the category for him. Prepare for '101 methods of using a piece of fresh fruit in an R-rated way' for 300. And the answer is: "This round piece of fresh fruit can be used in many R-rated ways, especially when it comes to gagging naked people that are tied to your bed"'"

Alice immediately rings her buzzer. "What is… what … what is … my name … my … what is my … my name it … what … what name … what is …"

"Aw, too bad. That one looked promising but it seems now that the side effects of Umbrella's experiments are showing again, which leaves…"

NQI looks at the podiums. Alice is shivering, desperately trying to hold on to her podium whilst muttering incoherently to herself. The zombie has wandered off somewhere and even though he's not seen, several screams of terror from the audience give away his location. Barry stares at the ceiling.

"Which leaves BARRY to answer the question!"

"Huh?"

"Do you know the answer, or question that is?"

"Uh… no"

"Sigh. The correct answer was: "What is an apple?" Barry, thanks to their… handicaps it's your board!"

"I choose… to go outside and check the other studios"

"Whoa, stop it! This is a game show and not a game, meaning you're not going to disappear in a vaguely suspicious manner whenever you like! Especially not as long as you're the only contestant capable of speech! Your category, please"

"Uhm… 'Evil companies that want to rule the world' for ONE MILLION! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"What the- no, I don't even want to know. Sigh. That's 'Evil companies that want to rule the world' for 200 and a therapist for you, Barry. And here comes the answer: "This evil company will ruthlessly eliminate everybody and everything that stands between them and world domination"'"

A buzzer rings. It seems that Alice has just snapped out of her trance.

"WHAT'S AN APPLE?"

"I'm sorry but that was the answer to the previous question. At the moment I want to know how to ask for an evil company that will ruthlessly eliminate everybody and everything that stands between them and world domination. Barry?"

"Uhm…"

"Yes?"

"What is Umbrella?"

"AND THAT IS- no, sorry. That is wrong. I'm assuming that the zombie who is currently eating one of our cameramen will not ring his buzzer too soon, so I'll tell you what your question should have been. "What is Microsoft?" would have been the correct answer. I repeat: What is-"

Another employee runs in, whispers something to NQI, hands her a card and runs off.

"Okay, erm, on behalf of our sponsor I would like to revoke the previous answer. It was a hoax and completely incorrect. The correct answer was indeed: 'What is Apple?' and since Alice came pretty close to that, the 200 points are hers. And as for Microsoft…"

She looks at her new card in an uncertain way and shifts nervously as she proceeds to read.

"Microsoft is not evil and does not want to achieve world domination. Microsoft is a wonderful company and their products make our life a lot easier. They are doing their very best to make every human being as happy as possible, for a reasonable price and…"

She stares at her card and raises an eyebrow.

"And that's only one of many reasons why the world should… should be given to them even though they didn't ask for it and never will because they are very modest and not evil, as we accidentally said they were. But who could rule this planet better than Bill Gates who… who is … no, I'm not going to-"

A gun clicks somewhere offstage and a red dot appears on NQI's head. She gulps.

"Bill Gates who is … not only a very intelligent and clever, but also a very sexy and handsome man, if not the sexiest and most handsome man alive… ever. And apart from making him supreme ruler of the universe I would also love to rip off his clothes, cover him with mashed potatoes and- JESUS CHRIST, I QUIT!"

Enraged our wonderful host throws away her cards, turns around and stomps out off the studio as the bullet misses her by an inch. None of the contestants seems to notice or care. The zombie has returned to his podium though.

Moments later NQI is dragged back onstage, cursing heavily. Her jellyfish seems very disturbed but tries to comfort her nevertheless by making squeaky noises which are frequently heard from jellyfish as you all certainly know. NQI picks up some of her cards and takes a deep breath.

"We'll start with the next round after the commercials, meaning as soon as I've had a drink"

- PRODUCT PLACEMENT -

A kitchen studio. Several leprechauns are sitting on a fridge, playing guitar. Next to them stand two Umbrella employees, waiting for the show to start.

"Umbrella Incorporated proudly presents: Cooking with Umbrella!"

The leprechauns stop playing their guitars and hide inside the fridge.

"Does the following sound familiar to you?"

"You've always wanted to create your own bioorganic weapon?"

"But your lack of money, equipment or intelligence prevented you from doing so?"

"It won't anymore! Umbrella Incorporated has developed a new product that will make creating a bioorganic weapon easier than saying cheese"

A leprechauns jumps out of the fridge and shouts 'TWEESE!' One employee runs after him with a broomstick, the other one simply ignores him and holds up a black bottle with the Umbrella logo printed on its front.

"This is our new product: INSTANT B.O.W. DELUXE 3000, new and improved. Those of you who are familiar with INSTANT B.O.W. DELUXE 2500 for fierce plants will know how this works. I'll quickly explain it for everyone else"

The employee we saw earlier runs past him, still chasing the leprechaun with a broomstick. They rush offstage and the sound of shattering windows as well as some curses are heard. The other employee shakes his head and continues.

"As I said, it's really simple: Just take the bottle of INSTANT B.O.W. DELUXE 3000, put the contents into a glass of water and stir it for approximately three minutes. If the liquid comes in contact with your skin in any way we suggest that you immediately kill yourself. Not doing so will result in you regretting that you haven't done so when you still had the chance. Children should not use INSTANT B.O.W. DELUXE 3000 without an adult's surveillance… or not at all if their parents still want to see them growing up. Now-"

The employee we saw chasing the leprechaun with a broomstick is now being chased by the leprechaun with a guitar of impressive size. They rush past the screen, seemingly unnoticed by the other employee.

"Now all you need is a syringe and an unsuspecting victim. We advise you to kill or at least drug or knock out the victim before, as it will make the last step much easier to you and less painful to the victim. We have already prepared an injection so we only need- ah yes, there he comes"

Employee 1 steps forward and waits. The leprechaun runs past him, closely followed by employee 2 and a golf club. Employee 1 grabs a frying pan and hits employee 2 over the head. He falls over unconscious and employee 1 pulls out a syringe, filled with a black liquid.

"You have the victim, you have the syringe now all that is left to do is inject and wait. This will take some time now, depending on the flavour you bought and the victim you chose. Of course we have already prepared a sample of how the result could look"

Nemesis comes crashing through the wall. "HOSSSSTSSSS!"

"Doesn't he look simply delicious? So if you want to create your own- wait, what?"

"HOSSSSSTSSSS!" Nemesis utters and a tentacle shoots out of his back. The employee yelps and runs away, quickly followed by his INSTANT B.O.W. DELUXE 3000 sample. The words 'Order now or else…' are written on the screen before it goes static.

- END PRODUCT PLACEMENT -

NQI throws away a half-emptied bottle of Tequilla and sighs again. Her jellyfish seems to have drunk a fair amount of what once was in the bottle and hiccups, which is of course one more thing jellyfish can do.

"Thank God that commercial is over and we can start with round number two, that is to say Double Jeopardy. Barry, why don't you pick a category again?"

"At this point I'd like to say that I will donate all my winnings to Umbrella"

"Erm, Barry?"

"Hm?"

"You're family is save now"

"…really?"

"Yes, really"

"Oh. In that case: DOWN WITH UMBRELLA! ...and 'Oh my God, oh my God! Get it off my foot!' for 600"

NQI raises an eyebrow but decides that it's probably not even worth asking. "The answer is: 'This piece of clothing could be described as the layer between your shoe and your skin and will most likely not make you shout 'Oh my God, oh my God! Get it off my foot!''"

The zombie rings his buzzer.

"And Ted is giving us the pleasure of yet another electrical impulse!"

"What is Shakespeare's sonnet number 73?"

"…or at least he's having some sort of déjà vu. And no, Shakespeare's sonnet number 73? is not a layer between your shoe and your skin that will most likely not make you shout 'Oh my God, oh my God! Get it off my foot!' Anyone else want to wager a guess?"

Barry rings his buzzer. "What is Shakespeare's sonnet number 76? I sure hope this isn't Chris's sonnet"

NQI lets out a silent cry of frustration. Her jellyfish glows sympathetically. "Why, Barry? Why?"

Barry looks around, shrugs and grins.

"The sonnet belongs to Shakespeare, not Chris. And your answers WERE AS WRONG AS YOU COULD GET! 'What is a sock?' would have been the correct response. Ted, think you could make a sound that sounds like one of our categories?"

The zombie drools and moos. NQI raises both her eyebrows and edges further away from Ted's podium.

"Moooovies for 400 then, on behalf of Ted. 'In the movie Resident Evil as well as in its sequels the character, that is played by Milla Jovovich and does not originally appear in the games, has this name' And ALICE, you might want to guess this one"

Alice rings her buzzer and smiles smugly. "Who is… who … who is…"

"Oh please, not again! It's simple! Your name! Just say your damn name!"

"My name … my name … my name is … my … my name …"

Barry rings his buzzer. NQI turns to him and notices that he's holding a microphone and that there's actually a band standing besides him. But before she can throw her jellyfish at him, Barry jumps on his podium and starts singing.

"I don't know why she's leaving or where she's gonna go! I guess she's got her reasons, but I just don't wanna know, 'cuz for twenty-four years I've been living next door to Alice. ALICE, WHO THE F#CK IS ALICE? Twenty-four years, just waiting for a chance, tell her how I feel, maybe get a second glance; Now I've got to get used to not living next door to Alice. ALICE, WHO-"

"ENOUGH!"

The music stops, the band disappears and Barry gets off his podium, smiling as he ever did.

"Do you actually realize that you've gone from fairly normal to frighteningly strange during the course of this show? But I guess the money goes to you for getting that one right… somewhat right at least"

Barry shows no reaction. Alice is still muttering to herself and the zombie is eating somebody's leg happily.

"I see. Thank God we're almost done and it's time for Final Jeopardy! I want at least one of you to get this right so I'll make it simple. You have 30 seconds to write down a question corresponding with this answer: 'The continent that doesn't begin with an A and ends in Urope' Grab your pens, time starts… now!"

Barry starts writing eagerly while the other two contestants seem to resume their activities of muttering and chewing.

"Time's up, everyone. Put your pens down and let me see what you wrote"

NQI walks over to Barry. "You seemed pretty quick with your answer, now let me see what you've got. Aha, that's a long answer. And… you've written 'All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy' all over your podium. Heh. Ahem. Very…nice"

Barry smiles confidently, NQI quickly walks away from him, over to Alice who is still shivering. "I was right in assuming that you've written absolutely nothing. Come on, was it really that hard? All you had to do was lift the pen and- don't give me that look. Yes, it's a pen. P-E-N!"

Alice picks up her pen and stares at in amazement. NQI rolls her eyes and walks over to Ted, the zombie. She doesn't have to bother with his answer though, considering that his head fell off shortly after banging it against the podium, perhaps in order to utter his answer.

"Well, looks like that's it for today's edition of-"

"My name is Alice"

"So you finally noticed. Good for you. As for our show, we-"

"My name is Alice and I remember everything"

NQI turns around to face Alice just as she lunges at her with her pen. Our host yelps and heads for one of the exits, closely followed by former contestant number two. In the background Barry can be seen writing "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" all over the studio, whilst contestant number three is finally and absolutely dead.

A group of leprechauns walks in, holding up a sign saying 'See you next time!' The remaining members of the audience cheer and the screen goes static.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Yes folks, that's it. The not-so-ultimate game show. My apologies, but I had to give it a try. Of course my jellyfish will now gladly take care of all your reviews.


	2. We could be wearing high heels

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil, Jeopardy or Alaska. Very few people do, actually…

La Mouette Lunaire proudly presents

**Resident Gameshow**   
_Chapter 2: We could be wearing high heels (Jeopardy II)_

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The camera zooms in on a nicely furnished room with huge, blue windows and a blue sofa in the middle. On the sofa lies a pile of letters on which NQI's jellyfish is sitting. It yawns, glares at the camera and grabs a letter.

"Welcome, unsuspecting viewers, to my little lair. I would like to say a few things before the show begins. First of all I must insist that the answers on our show are not to be called retarded! They are to be called mentally-challenged and are thus in order to correspond with the hostess and her contestants. "

"Also we have received a review asking why the hostess was wearing a jellyfish on her head. Well, she is not. I repeat: the hostess is NOT wearing a jellyfish on her head!"

It pauses. "The jellyfish is wearing her."

The jellyfish looks through a few letters until it finds a piece of paper. It coughs. "Lastly there are some things Lady wants me to tell you. She would like me to mention that Alfred Ashford is not nearly as annoying as Sherry Birkin or Steve Burnside. I don't know why she wants me to say that but she probably has her reasons. As she had when she decided to sell her house, including everything she owned, in order to buy a golden spoon which-"

A young man appears and points at his watch nervously. The jellyfish sighs.

"Alright, alright. Lastly NQI would like to thank two of her oldest and most insane friends who once again took their time to read and review this story. Special thanks to Phantom and otaku and huge thanks to everyone else who reviewed. And now-"

The jellyfish jumps over to the window and opens it.

"Off to the shooooooooooooow!"

- - -

Change of scene. A TV studio. A young girl runs in, holding up a sign saying 'STOP DISCRIMINATION! EQUAL RIGHTS FOR FRESH FRUIT!'. The light is turned off, screams and various insults are heard. As the light is turned back on the studio is empty again, save for the audience, which is enough not to make the studio seem empty, my point being that the studio actually isn't empty at all but the girl is gone. So we might change that to… the stage is empty. Yes. Yes, it is. Save for a bloody sign on which 'Resident Jeopardy' has been sprayed on with whipped scream.

Eventually everybody's favourite hostess enters. Favourite, because there isn't anybody else around to do the job so we can at least give her that. As usual she is wearing a random purple attire and a jellyfish on her head. Oh, sorry. I mean, she is wearing a random purple attire whilst being worn by a jellyfish. Uh…yeah.

"Hullo and welcome everyone to our series of unfortunate events or game show, as it has once been called by a very brave man who is no longer with us. May his soul rest in piece- err, peace"

NQI takes out a set of cards, strikes an inane pose and screams on the top of her lungs: "AND NOW OFF TO ANOTHER ROUND OF RESIDENT JEOPARDY, TODAY WITH THREE ENTIRELY NEW AND IMPROVED CONTESTANTS, NAMELY STEVE BURNSIDE, SHERRY BIRKIN AND ALFRED ASHFORD!"

She gasps for air and takes a disapproving look at what she just read. She then faces the entrance and awaits her contestants, but…

"Apart from the unpleasant coincidence involved in this I really wonder why we had to pick three people who aren't exactly known for sticking around where you tell them to. Seriously, is it that hard to have my contestants ready when I-"

Whispers from behind the camera can be heard. NQI crosses her arms and stares indignantly at the ceiling. She shakes her head and turns her back to the audience. More whispers and sighs are heard offstage until eventually a young man rushes in and hands NQI a bunch of money in a paper bag. She looks at it and turns around.

"Very well, we're off to plan B. Since we can't afford to find new contestants all the time our crew has apparently worked out a way to… lure in the old ones. Ahem. THE CAGE!"

Nicholas Cage appears onstage and waves at the audience. Two women immediately jump up from their seats and drag him away under the ever-watchful glare of a slightly annoyed hostess and her mildly amused jellyfish.

Moments later an actual cage is brought in, his 'inmate' being none other than a thoroughly upset, yet still entirely human version of Dr. William Birkin. While his curses are heard loud and clear, the hostess is leaning against a podium, sipping a cup of coffee, apparently waiting for something to happen. And indeed, only moments later-

"DADDY! DADDY, NO!", screams young Sherry and emerges from a dark corner somewhere near where the audience is seated. She tries to reach her father's cage but is violently jerked away and pushed behind her podium by one of many random assistants.

In the meantime a strange noise, apparently coming from the ceiling, has been getting louder and louder until it is now clearly identifiable as…

"Very well, Doctor Birkin. I see you have finally taken to the lifestyle of the filthy rodents in your laboratory. MWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!"

Still cackling insanely, Alfred Ashford jumps from the ceiling to launch a close-up insult on his sister's rival but is held back by another assistant who politely invites him to grace one of the podiums with his presence. Deciding to continue his taunting-activities later he agrees and strolls over to his podium, sticking out his tongue at Sherry as he walks by.

"Mmmhh ppphhhmmm mmmghmm!"

"YIKES!" replies NQI, jumps up shrieking and falls over before turning around and facing the person responsible for said action. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, SNEAKING UP BEHIND ME LIKE- oh, wait. It's you. Let me give it another try then. WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, SHOWING UP WHENEVER YOU LIKE, JUST LIKE THAT?"

Abashed Steve swallows and throws away the rest of his sandwich before walking over to his podium whilst mumbling some sort of apology that probably sounded something like 'Sorry, but I was hungry and went off to buy a sandwich and on the way I found your laptop and checked it and then I found those pics of-'

…but there's no need to go into detail since we might have gotten it all wrong with the mumbling anyway. So, where were we? Ah, yes. NQI was happily looking at her three contestants, enjoying a moment of accomplishment and peace which she knew was only going to last as long as it would take for Alfred and Steve to realize that they were in a room together.

But this would probably take a moment so NQI took the time to adjust her jellyfish and address the audience.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, everything's settled and I will now announce today's categories, namely 'History' 'Overused gags in the world of survival horror' 'Things you can set on fire easily' 'Bread' 'Things you shouldn't set on fire even though you can' 'Too sexy to be virtuous' and 'Movies'. And since I want everyone to be as comfortable as possible, I'll select the first category for Sherry. Are you ready, girl?"

Sherry, who is standing on a wooden box behind her podium, nods confidently.

"Great, then that's 'History' for 200 for you and the answer is: Alexander the Great"

"MY FATHER WAS USELESS! HE BROUGHT SHAME ON THE GLORIOUS ASHFORDS AND RUINED OUR FINE REPUTATION!"

"Uh, okay. Well, that's partly correct but still you didn't say the answer in form of a question, I'm sorry", says the host calmly, careful not to disturb the twitching Ashford further.

"Where's my sandwich?"

"No Steve, that doesn't even come close to it"

"You took it, didn't you? Didn't you, freak?"

"Steve, you've had your turn and you-"

"How dare you address me, Alfred Ashford, in such manner? HOW DARE YOU ADDRESS ME ANYWAY?"

NQI tries to blank out what is going on next to her and looks up pleadingly. Finally a red light starts to blink and NQI brightens up.

"I'm sorry to interrupt your keen guessing but it's time for a COMMERCIAL BREAK! YAY!"

- Product Placement -

Birds are chirping, trees are rustling in the breeze – we witness the beauty of a rural landscape in all its quaint glory. The window of a little cottage opens and the camera zooms in on the face of an old Spanish woman.

"Evening well! Have you wondered ever where you could book vacation of family? To find the silence and-"

Some sort of muttering is heard in the background and we briefly see the silhouette of two men, one of them who is apparently tied up and gagged, the other who is trying to stop him from coming closer to the window.

The woman smiles broadly into the camera and disappears inside, closing the window behind her.

Screams of "Gojedlo!", "Detras de ti, imbecil!" and "Dale! DALE!" are heard, followed by the noise of breaking glass and a loud thump. After a brief silence the woman emerges from the cottage and smiles broadly as before.

"Where I was? Scenery! Scenery beautiful and peace for all! Persons always good to foreigners and accommodations very lovely! Stay in Spain will-"

Suddenly the window bursts open and a bloody hand emerges from within but is quickly jerked back by some invisible force. The window is quickly shut again and the screaming starts once more.

"No dejes que escape vivo!" "Mierda!" "MATENLO!"

A gunshot is heard, followed by silence and a man emerging from the cottage in dirty, suspiciously reddish clothes. He approaches the woman, puts an arm around her shoulder and grins broadly as they say in unison: "Spain – where the individual is loved!"

Behind them the cottage blows up and the screen goes static.

- End Product Placement -

A familiar studio, the hostess and an assistant are struggling for what appears to be a bottle of gin.

"IT'S MINE! I BOUGHT IT AND I HAVE TO HOST THIS STUPID SHOW! I HAVE THE RIGHT TO-"

The assistant points at the camera and uses the hostess' momentarily distraction to grab the bottle and disappear.

"Damn. Er, I mean: Hullah and welcome back to Resident Jeopardy! Due to the violent nature of our contestants-"

She glares over to Steve and Alfred who are both severely injured and too worn out to continue their fight immediately. In the middle Sherry is standing on her podium happily, chewing on Steve's sandwich.

"…we have once again shortened Round 1 and are heading straight for Double Jeopardy! Sherry, care to pick a category yourself?"

"Mhhmm! Fhhmm!"

"Oookay. I'll make that 'Too sexy to be virtuous' for 600. And the answer is: Blond and 5.7 feet tall this incredibly sexy, bio-enhanced villain is not to be underestimated"

"Who am I?"

"ALFRED! YOU'RE NOT- oh."

Re-judging the miserable look on Alfred's face and his constant swaying including several groans of pain NQI changes her tone from angered to worried as she realizes that the reason for Alfred's comment is not sheer egomania as momentarily suspected.

"Oh dear, I really underestimated somebody's anger problems here", she states and looks at Steve who seizes the moment and passes out with a triumphant yell of 'YOU ROCK, GIRL!'

NQI sighs and glances at her cards. "Okay, the correct answer was-"

"Albert Wesker", booms a voice as the same emerges from the shadows.

"Not that it matters since you're not a contestant, but that's incorrect."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is."

"It's not. I'm blond, bio-enhanced and of course incredibly sexy" Wesker explains, pointing a gun at the hostess to clarify his statement.

"Fine, but you're not 5.7 feet tall."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not. I'm 5.7 feet tall but you're clearly taller, 5.9 at least I'd say."

Wesker pauses.

"I could be wearing high heels."

The audience falls silent, NQI glares at him in disbelief and Sherry snickers. Wesker considers the situation and turns around, leaving the studio in quiet dignity.

"Today's your lucky day, hostess. Next time we meet, don't count on luck!"

NQI watches him in disbelief and browses trough her cards. "The correct answer was 'Who is Alexia Ashford?' which means that Alfred gets the points since his answers was correct, in his little, screwed-up world anyway."

NQI adjusts her jellyfish, eying every shadowy corner suspiciously.

"May I choose a category?"

"What?"

"I'm bored in this cage. Mister Burnside is unable to utter his wishes and-"

"But it's Alfred's turn. And you're not even a contestant."

"But I was here first!"

"Yeah, so? Now leave me alone and play with your G-Virus or something. Alfred? … ALFRED!"

"NOT THE PEAS!" Alfred Ashford screams and hides behind his podium.

"…peas?"

The hostess seems to consider further questioning but decides that it would probably only lead to a bunch of things neither she nor the audience wants to know. She thus re-organizes her cards and continues.

"And that's 'Overused gags in the world of survival horror' for 800 for no one in particular."

NQI opens her coat and takes out a pair of sunglasses. "This item is strongly connected with one of the most overused gags in the world of survival-"

"Whew!"

"YARGH!", the hostess screams and falls over in an elegant manner as Barry mysteriously appears behind her, inspecting the sunglasses worriedly.

"I sure hope those aren't Chris's sunglasses!"

"NO!", yells NQI, stands up and snatches the shades from Barry. Luckily she's to busy glaring at him angrily, else she would have noticed that the actual contestants didn't pay the least bit attention to her question, either because they were still unconscious, hiding behind their podium from peas or playing with a little Nemesis doll.

Instead, NQI eyes Barry as he walks away from her, apparently leaving the stage but turning around and lifting a curtain in the last second.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Wagering another guess!" Barry laughs and jumps onto some sort of platform, where his band has mysteriously appeared. Their lead singer has changed though and instead of Barry we hear a familiar voice which-

"I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can watch you weave, then breath your story lines. And I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can… keep track of the visions in my eyes. Don't-"

"WESKER!"

"I told you I'd be back. And you owe me 800 points."

Slowly and ever so slightly the hostesses eyes start twitching in an insanely violent way.

"Fine… okay… that's … great. Congrats, 800 points for you, Wesker. And 800 points for Steve and Alfred! Make it double for Birkin! Oh, and while we're at it: 1000 points for the audience! AND YOU-" she screeches, pointing at the computer screen "777,93 POINTS FOR YOU! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! POINTS! POINTS! POINTS FOR EVERYONE!"

Sherry clutches her father's cage worriedly and Wesker featuring Barry's Band start backing away slowly, keeping a watchful eye on the hostess who is cackling madly while throwing her cards at random staff members. Her jellyfish seems concerned.

Eventually an assistant rushes in and holds up a large sign saying 'Technical Difficulties – Commercial Break'

- Product Placement -

An old, run down laboratory. Broken shelves and torn papers are spread all across the room. Cobwebs are hanging from the ceiling. And in the middle of this mess stands… a lonesome zombie.

"Guuuaaaaarrrrghhhh!"

The screen turns black. The writing 'Brains – 4 itchy taste!' appears before it goes completely blank.

- End Product Placement -

Back at the studio. Wesker, Barry and pretty much everyone else except for the audience and Sherry has disappeared. NQI is clutching her bottle of gin tightly, muttering incoherently until she sees the camera and puts on a weird smile.

"Welcome back, wonderful audience, to our third round of Resident Jeopardy – Final Jeopardy! Without further ado I present the last question of today's game show edition: "Unlike things you shouldn't set on fire even though you can those nifty little gadget are designed entirely for the purpose of being set on fire and come with a matchbox""

NQI stares at her watch and yawns while Sherry eagerly scribbles down her answer. After a while NQI turns to her. "Times up, let's see what you wrote. And you wrote… 'What are matches?' … very good, that is indeed the correct answer."

Sherry smiles proudly and NQI turns to the camera. "Well folks, that's it for-"

"Wait, what about my money?"

"Money? Which money?"

"I won! I'm supposed to get a present or something!"

"HA! Girl, you're not even able to use this podium without a box. Do you really thing the studio's going to give you MONEY?"

Sherry looks at the annoyed hostesses face pleadingly but NQI only stares back blankly and Sherry eventually starts sobbing, calling out for her dad.

"Awww, isn't it a shame? Sherry lost and daddy is still in his- uh oh."

The grin on NQI's face abruptly dies as Birkin's cage falls into her view. It is now torn a part and richly decorated with the dead bodies of two assistants. The fact that Sherry was just then calling out her dad's name happily doesn't improve the situation either.

Calculating how fast her high heels can actually carry her, NQI listens to the quite irregular breathing right behind her and slowly pulls out her purse, handing it to Sherry who is now smiling broadly.

"Heh… good girl!"

"GROOOAAARRRGHHH!"

"YIKES!"

The audience cheers and Sherry waves with her new purse after NQI who has just fled the studio, closely followed by the 3rd mutation of Dr. William Birkin.

Also smiling, Albert Wesker emerges from the shadows once more, takes a deep and evilly sexy bow and laughs demonically as the image slowly fades away.

"The End!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The end indeed. I felt like writing one more edition of Jeopardy even though I think it wasn't as good as the first one. Suggestions for shows, candidates and general improvement are always welcome.

Thanks for reading!


	3. Crazed Cupid Corrupted

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil or Valentine's Day. I considered stealing Christmas once but that's entirely besides the point…

La Mouette Lunaire proudly presents

**Resident Gameshow**  
_Chapter 3: Crazed Cupid Corrupted (The Dating Game)_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The camera zooms in on an expensive-looking bathroom with an impressively huge Jacuzzi in the corner. In the tub is swimming none other than our well-known and admired jellyfish. It puts aside its cigar and addresses the audience.

"Good afternoon, trusty victims and welcome to my evil lair… to the bathroom in my evil lair that is. I'd like to announce that the artist formally known as Neo Queen Insanity wishes you a happy and random Valentine's Day. Her special thanks go out to her faithful reviewers who, contrary to everything that makes sense, are still reading this story."

A rubber ducky floats closer to the jellyfish. It eyes the duck evilly and edges away.

"Her very special thanks go out to otaku and Phantom who are still two of her oldest and most insane friends. Brains and flowers have been sent to express Lady's undying love and madness for the two of you."

It pushes away the approaching duck and goes for a quick dive to retrieve a bunch of waterproof cards.

"Where was I? Ah, yes. Today's show is very popular where Lady comes from, but then again you don't really want to know what sort of stuff is popular over there"

The jellyfish shudders slightly and shrieks as the rubbery animal appears in front of it. It pushes the duck away once more and makes a last, hasty announcement.

"So without further ado… TO THE STUDIO!"

It takes a deep breath and leaps out of the Jacuzzi, leaving a very sad and lonely rubber ducky behind.

- - -

Change of scene to our familiar TV studio. However the usual three podiums have been replaced by three chairs, a wall and another chair. In front of the scenery our hostess Lady is arguing with the jellyfish, that has generously given its permission to be worn as a fashionable accessory. A random assistant politely throws a couple of paperclips at them and they address the audience.

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to our very wonderful catastrophe that has been so aptly titled Resident Gameshow! And today, on this very special day, I am honoured to host a very special edition of our very special show. It's The Dating Game – Valentine's Edition! And here are our three bachelors!"

A door to Lady's left opens and Albert Wesker enters, looking smug and sexy as ever. And did I mention evil too?

"At last we meet again, Clarice." Not remembering being called Clarice in any way at any time the hostess carefully edges away from Wesker, deciding that it was a very bad idea to lend him her copy of Silence of the Lambs after all. Wesker himself doesn't seem too interested in her concerns and has instead already taken a seat and is now smiling evilly.

Next enter Lord Osmund Saddler and organic staff plus two Ganados, looking perhaps not so sexy or overly smug at all, but sufficiently evil at least, not to mention purple, much to the hostess's delight.

Saddler takes a seat and the two Ganados place themselves standing next to him, curiously eying Wesker, much in the way a slightly retarded cat would eye an insect when wondering if it's actually edible. Wesker himself still couldn't care less and just proceeds to smile evilly. The audience and Lady have their eyes fixed on the entrance, waiting for the third bachelor to enter. He's apparently taking his time so Lady decides that some small talk might be a good idea.

"So… how's Barry and the band doing?" "We split up." "Oh." She pauses. "Why?" Wesker pauses. "Artistic differences." They both pause. "Ah."

Lady pauses some more, scratches her head and briefly wonders how artistic differences between Barry Burton and Albert Wesker might look like. Instead of wondering any further she takes another look at the entrance. The third bachelor is still nowhere in sight and since Wesker has already taken up smiling evilly again, she decides do continue her small talk with somebody else and turns to Saddler and his escort.

"What did you bring those two for, anyways? Mental support or did the retirement home send them, just in case?"

Angry shouts are heard and Lady realizes for the first time that today's audience consists largely, if not entirely, of Ganado men and women. Her expression drops and she rubs her forehead, sighing heavily, cursing about something along the lines of not nearly getting paid enough and wanting to go back to university.

Saddler grins and Wesker has fallen asleep, still smiling evilly, still under close surveillance of the two drooling Ganado guards. The hostess decides that another sigh would be appropriate and turns her head to the entrance. "What the hell is taking him so long?"

Just then two assistants enter, dragging along a currently not particularly smug or evil William Birkin, who is just as sexy as you'd imagine a kicking and screaming scientist to be.

"I REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE IN SUCH NONSENSE! PUT YOUR FILTHY PLEBEIAN HANDS OFF ME AT ONCE!"

Woken up by his former colleague's yelling, Wesker raises one eyebrow and watches the scene with mild interest and as much sympathy as a heartless, inhuman bastard can muster. Lord Saddler has temporarily taken up Wesker's evil smirking activities and the hostess is watching the struggling scientist and two of her assistants worriedly. Dragging Birkin over to his seat seems to prove more difficult than they had expected.

"Doctor Birkin?" Lady inquires, approaching the scientist but still staying at a safe distance.

"LET ME GO! I WILL-" "We have kidnapped your daughter. If you refuse to cooperate she will meet a gruesome and painful end." "THE IQ OF MY LABCOAT SURPASSES YOURS BY FAR! GET OFF MY-"

Lady shakes her head and quickly changes her strategy. "Doctor Birkin, we have kidnapped your G-Virus. If you refuse to cooperate it will meet a gruesome and painful end."

The scientist falls silent at once as his eyes widen in terror. He ceases to struggle against the assistants and drops into his chair, much like one of those little toy bunnies who didn't switch to Duracell in time.

"See? I knew we'd get along!" The hostess smiles broadly and turns to the entrance to her right. "And now… meet the bachelorette, at last!"

Alexia Ashford enters, looking incredibly smug, sexy, evil and purple, all at the same time! The audience cheers as wildly as it's possible for a bunch of mindless Spaniards. Albert Wesker raises an eyebrow in mild curiosity, Lord Saddler doesn't seem to care at all and instead glares at the drooling Ganado to his left disapprovingly while William Birkin's troubled mind seems to be elsewhere, probably with his poor and suffering G-Virus.

Lady seems content, adjusts her jellyfish and turns to the camera to announce a commercial break. "I hereby announce a commercial break!" she says, thus announcing the commercial break.

- Commercial Break… as announced -

The streets of Raccoon City. Chaos has apparently ensued a long time ago and the streets are plastered with litter, broken-down cars, the occasional dead body and the more common not-quite-dead-yet ones, aka. zombies. Crows are circling in the sky and a couple of lickers, hunters and zombie dogs are there too.

In the middle of this jolly assemblage three men in UBCS uniform are standing on the burning wreck of a cable car, dancing and singing joyfully. Each of them is holding what appears to be a bottle.

They are apparently completely oblivious of the disaster surrounding them, even as Nemesis enters the scene. He holds up his rocket launcher, aims at the dancing team, growls deeply and-

…the screen fades to black, displaying the words 'Vodka – if you can't escape reality, simply ignore it!' before it goes static.

- End Commercial Break -

Back to our familiar studio. The two assistants and Saddler's Ganados have left the stage, most likely to get plastered behind the scenes.

Lord Saddler isn't doing anything in particular, Albert Wesker is burning what looks like a Chris Redfield voodoo doll and William Birkin has apparently decided to accept his fate in silent frustration. Alexia Ashford inspects the studio carefully, wrinkles her nose in disgust and sets her chair on fire. She whistles and Lady watches with one eyebrow raised as Alexia's brother Alfred rushes in to replace the chair immediately… or rather, to function as a replacement for it.

"Back from our commercial break we will now continue our show in the name of armour and bring love and happiness into the world! Yay!" the hostess exclaims, ignoring the little refurbishment altogether. "So would our bachelorette like to tell us a few things about herself?"

"WHAT? HOW DARE YOU ASK MY BELOVED QUEEN INFERIOUR QUESTIONS LIKE THAT?" "Uhm, actually I was just-" "YOU ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO HER BEAUTY AND-" "Okay, right, cut it, I'll take that as a no. So… would you, Alexia, please ask your first question?"

At that point Alfred jumps up and glares at the hostess in rage, completely forgetting the fact that he just threw his beautiful queen off his back. "ALFRED!" "Oh no, Alexia! Who did this to you?" "WHY YOU-"

Lady thinks for a moment and concludes that this might end in a nasty and very unfortunate scene for Alfred, so she decides to draw the attention to the other side of the wall and produces a pack of cards. "Very well, since our bachelorette doesn't seem to be quite-"

"NO! YOU CAN'T! I'M YOUR FAITHFUL- AAAARRRGHHHH!"

"…erm, not quite ready yet… I will ask the first questions for her. So, bachelor number three; If a woodchuck could chuck wood, how would this reflect your views on life, the universe and ferrets in general?"

"THAT'S-"

"Think about a little phial that would be veeeery disappointed if you gave me a… rude answer."

"THAT'S… that's…. well…. I…" Birkin sighs, wondering if his virus would still be in danger if he murdered the hostess now. He decides that it's not worth the risk, sighs again and takes a look at his answer card which reads 'I like science'. He shudders.

"Do you want me to repeat the question? If a woodchuck could-" "No! No, it's fine. I… I…" "Yes?" "I… like science." "Jolly good!" the hostess exclaims and turns to Albert Wesker.

"Bachelor number one; If you lived in the woods, how many ferrets would the universe generally reflect in a woodchuck's life?" "42." "And bachelor number two; Do you want fries with that?" "Is the answer Spain?"

"JOLLY GOOD!" In an almost painfully cheerful manner Lady throws away the cards and takes a peek to the other side of the wall.

"MERCY! NO! PLEASE, I-"

She blinks, adjusts her jellyfish and turns back to the three bachelors.

"Our first round is over, how time flies by! And I think it's time to ask you a couple of questions on my own; bachelor number one, why are you here?" "I'm evil. It's what I do." "Oh I see." "And I stole Saddler's wallet." "Ah. Interesting." "Besides, I look too good not to be seen on television." "Okay." "And-" "We get it." "Also-" "Thank you, Albert."

Lady quickly steps over to Lord Saddler who seems to be engaged in a deep conversation with his staff. "And you, why did you come here to win the heart of a lovely lady?"

"Once we have sacrificed her to the honour of Las Plagas the world will finally come to realize that it is our path alone that leads into the right direction!"

"Gentleman and travel guide, if that isn't the perfect combination!" "What? Our cult is-"

"Bachelor number three! Why are you here?" "Because of a vile plot of yours and the fact that, even though I desire nothing more, I cannot leave this place because I do not want to risk endangering my precious virus any further." "Yay and thanks for that, bachelor!"

Somewhat satisfied, Lady returns to Alexia who is now sitting in a regular chair, surrounded by a decent puddle of blood, with Alfred nowhere in sight. "There, there. Ready to grab your cards and join us this time?"

"I would very much appreciate it if you could drop dead at once."

"Haha. Ha! Hahaha! Oh, if only I'd get a penny every time someone says that to me. Anyways, next round, off we go!"

Lady smiles at Alexia's cards encouragingly. Alexia glares at the hostess, down to her cards, back to the hostess and down again not sure which one she'd rather see going up in flames. Instead she eventually decides to read the prepared questions, apparently wanting to save some of her evil energy for a second round with Alfred, backstage.

"Bachelor number one: If bachelor three said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against him?" "Of course. I'm evil. It's what I do."

Several slash-fanatics in the audience cheer wildly. Lady seems to think about this for a moment, but decides to drop it for the sake of what little sanity she has left.

"Bachelor number two and a half: Is it Sunday or are you just happy to see me?"

Saddler raises and eyebrow and looks over to a random assistants who immediately fetches Alexia a tray of appetizers for no apparent reason at all. She accepts the tray gladly and knocks the assistant out with inhuman force.

"And bachelor number three: Is it all the governments fault?"

"OF COURSE IT IS! THEY'RE TRYING TO STEAL MY PRECIOUS VIRUS!"

Lady's jellyfish cringes at the sudden display of William's vocal range. Alexia nods in sympathy. As she sees Lady approach her she quickly browses through her cards to utter another pointless round of question before the hostess gets the chance to bother her any further.

"Bachelor number two: If you had to sing a song to describe bachelor number one, which song would that be?"

Wesker leans over to Saddler, whispers something into his ear and hands him a small bag. Saddler opens the bag, thinks for a moment, counts the money and replies: "I'm too sexy by Right said Fred"

Poor Wesker. If only he knew how wasted his finances are on Alexia who didn't even pay the least bit of attention to the answer given. "Number three, how does the soundtrack for bachelor number two go?"

Birkin snorts and rolls his eyes, forgetting that the wall between them doesn't enable Alexia to grasp the full capacity of his physical demonstration.

"What was that?" "Ah, I apologize. I was just rolling my eyes at the utter idiocy that is this show."

For a moment Alexia seems to be deeply impressed or at least as deeply impressed as a megalomaniac genius who sees herself as the one and only queen of the word can get. Fortunately Lady's broad grin quickly reminds her of the painful reality she's in and remembering that it's her goal to leave as quickly as possible she turns to her cards again.

"And bachelor number one, what's the song for number three?"

Silence. Wesker stands up to open his mouth but quickly sits back again. More silence. Mumbling in the audience. A sudden cry. "I CAN'T DO THIS, NOT WITHOUT HIM!"

Even though Saddler and Birkin have long stopped caring and Alexia has decided that brushing her hair would be an appropriate thing to do, Lady's surprise alone is enough to fill the whole studio. "Wesker, what-" "I have… I … I've lost it!" "Completely? Well, so have many of us." "No! I… it's gone!" "Oh, your wallet! Saddler took it while you were sleeping." "No, I- wait, what?" "I get it! IT! You've lost your inspiration to sing since your band broke up!"

Wesker pauses, nods and lowers his head sadly. Several fangirls are staring at the scene in disbelief. If that's supposed to be the magic of Valentine's Day they'd be better off without it.

Suddenly the bachelors' entrance door flies open and-

"A DRAMATIC ENTRANCE! I sure hope this isn't Chris's dramatic entrance!"

"Barry?"

"Wesker!"

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to say that I'm sorry for giving Chris your sunglasses because I thought they were his!"

"Barry! And… and I'm sorry for eating your sandwich but I really thought it was Jill's and I-"

"Wesker!"

"Barry!"

If there was an expression to describe an emotion that goes far beyond disbelief or anger and has a certain edge of sadness to it too, not to mention a deep lust to kill, then it would now be used to describe what above mentioned fangirls felt as their gazes fixed upon Albert Wesker and Barry Burton, who were leaving the studio skipping, holding hands and whistling cheerfully.

Lady turns to her trusty bottle of vodka in order not to lose her composure and adjusts her jellyfish. "Well… uh… well. Looks like-"

"Are we done yet?" Alexia interrupts, apparently having finished brushing through her hair precisely 999 times.

"Uhm…sure. One of our assistants will now sum up-" "Don't bother, I made my decision." "But it's part of the show that we sum up-" "Bachelor number three." "But maybe you'd want to hear the-" "Number three." "It's a nice summary and we were trying hard to-" "THREE." "Ah, okay, okay! Here's your… COMMERCIAL BREAK! HA!"

- Commercial Break -

Two Spanish cops are standing on the rooftop of an old farmhouse. The trees behind them appear to be on fire and explosions as well as the fierce howling of a very hungry bunch of wolves can be heard in the distance.

The scenery is almost drowning in darkness save for the light of a multitude of torches that are being carried closer to the farmhouse by an angry mob of weapon-wielding Ganados.

The stomps and screams of at least three approaching El Gigantes can be heard. Nevertheless upon close inspection the two cops seem to be laughing and sharing some exceptionally funny jokes.

They continue doing so even as a very muscular Ganado appears on the scene, bringing forth a gatling gun, aiming at them and-

…the screen fades to black, displaying the words 'Tequila – if you can't escape reality, simply ignore it!' before it goes static.

- End Commercial Break -

The studio again. Alexia and William are now positioned on their sides of the wall and a romantic tune starts to play as it is slowly pulled back. Soon they're standing right face-to-face, silently glaring each other and eventually deciding on an apt reaction.

"YOU?"

- The following scenes have been removed from our program in order not to disturb our younger viewers. Or the older ones. Or any of our viewers at all. In fact, it's quite a good thing that the following scenes have been caught, taken apart, stabbed, shot, burned and wiped out completely. Forever. Thank God. -

Back to the studio. Back to what's left of it. Back to what would make the post-outbreak scenery of Raccoon City look like a cosy living room.

Most of the audience has fled, those left can be seen rocking back and forth in their seats or wandering around aimlessly, muttering in grave distraction.

Osmund Saddler is still present and Albert Wesker has meanwhile returned for no apparent reason at all, their seats are gone though and both are looking far paler and more nervous than usual. Wesker's right eye appears to be twitching slightly. Alexia and William are nowhere to be seen.

Lady looks around, shaking her head. "Oh dear, I don't even want to imagine what it'll cost to get all this back into shape."

Suddenly a rope drops down besides her, a hooded figure with a rucksack sliding down from the ceiling. The figure is apparently a female dressed in a Resident Evil merchant cosplay costume, the initials W.C. being visible on her rucksack. "Welcome, hostess! What are you selling?"

Lady blinks cluelessly and scratches her head as she notices the merchant lady's gaze fixed on Wesker. "Uhm… him?"

The merchant cosplayer steps closer to Wesker and seems to inspect him carefully with a trace of doubt in her eyes. Quickly the hostess steps over to them, ripping off Wesker's clothes in a swift movement, the merchant's expression immediately brightening considerably.

"Aaah, I'll buy him at a high price!"

And before Wesker has a chance to react, the merchant lady has already disappeared with him in a flash of black lightning, leaving behind a slightly taken aback hostess and a very appealing piece of paper.

Lady inspects the check and grins broadly. She turns to the camera, ready to say goodbye for today when upon wanting to adjust her jellyfish she finds that it is no longer there.

"Hey, where is- OH SWEET MERCY IN HEAVEN, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING DOING!"

Shocked, Lady's gaze falls on Saddler's staff which is now lying on the ground and doing what appears to be making out with her jellyfish.

"MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOP!" the hostess shrieks, pointing at the 'couple' on the floor.

"It's not an it, it's a she. And how do you think I'm supposed to make her stop?" "ORDER her to!" "Why don't you ORDER your jellyfish to stop then, hmm?"

They both fall silent. Listening closely you can almost hear their egos shrink in pain upon the realization of how much, or how little to be precise, authority they actually hold over their beloved 'pets'.

"So." "Well?" "Hm." "Yeah."

They both glare down at the scene in disapproving silence.

"I guess this'll take some time then." "Ah." "I heard the coffee machine outside's still working."

They look at each other, shrug and retreat defeated, leaving behind a perverted jellyfish and an organic staff, letting them do things no one really wants to know more about. Ah, sweet, sweet love…

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Valentine's Day. Isn't it just so romantic? …. nah. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed. So… cheers and tadaa!


End file.
